Entries Tagged as 'body'

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

Thrilling Dispatch from the Land of the Young

Sometimes I think the young live in a different world from you and me. Not just, you know, one with lots more sex and lots less confusion over how to turn on the television, but a land where they watch, listen to, and know about people and things hidden to the rest of us. For […]

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

#142: Don’t Be Afraid To Drive, Even If Your Car Is Old and Rusty, Your Key Is Broken, and You Think You’re Too Fat To Fit Behind The Wheel

I had one of those dreams last night like people have in the movies — you know, dreams that so perfectly symbolize everything they’re doing and feeling that they can only be made up. But this one was real.  In the dream, I came upon this old, rusty, leaf-filled Model T parked on a city […]

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

NEW VIDEO: She Read The Book, Kind Of….

Tomorrow the How Not To Act Old book officially hits the stores, but our woman somehow managed to snag an advance copy and read it cover to cover. Well, she read all the good parts. While also leaving a voice mail for her daughter, sending mass emails to her friends, and cooking a pot roast […]

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

#130: Don’t Try To Be Thin As Twiggy

At 13, I aspired have a figure like Twiggy’s — and I wasn’t far off, either. Twiggy and I were both built like, well, twigs, and keeping that thin was disgustingly effortless. Well, things have changed, and even Twiggy isn’t immune from middle-aged spread. She limits her diet to one chocolate square at a time, […]

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

#122: Throw Off the Middle-Aged Burka

When exactly did the imams sweep through my town in suburban New Jersey and decree that every woman over the age of 40 had to chop off her hair, wash off her makeup, and start dressing in baggy black or beige linen or flannel, buttoned up to the neck, hanging down to the ground, and […]

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

#118: Stop Talking About Menopause

There is a kind of girl who’s always liked to talk about her period: How she can’t wait to get it, when she’s having it, how bad her cramps are, where she buys her tampax, whether she’s late, how heavy her flow is, when it’s slowing down, and what it feels like when it stops […]

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

#93: Stop Covering Up Your Underwear!

Confused about whether you’re old or not? Here’s a little quiz to help you find out. If someone says it’s “snowing down south,” they’re trying to tell you: a) A shipment of cocaine has just arrived on the south side of town. b) Alabama is having some hella freaky weather. c) Your slip is showing. […]

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

#82: Stop All That Moving Around

Here’s a counterintuitive directive: If you want not to act old, you’ve got to knock off all that surfing, skating, basketball-playing and cardio-kickboxing you’ve evidently been doing. Lying on the couch, staying out of the gym, and sitting on the sidelines are the sports of the young, while middle-aged and older people are the ones […]

Tuesday, July 1st, 2008

#52: No Bras The Size of Wyoming

As the years advance, we full-figured gals have a, ahem, weighty challenge ahead of us. How to hoist the girls as high as possible without resorting to a bra the size of Wyoming? The answer, as with so many things, is money. Any bra that’s going to do its considerable job and still look feminine, […]

Monday, June 30th, 2008

#51: Don’t Go Thinking This Is Normal

Do you remember the first time you saw a naked old person? There you were, all young and smooth-skinned and tight-bodied, thinking that was normal because you looked like everybody on TV. And then there was the shock of how different the old person looked: big gut, droopy boobs, wobbly butt, ewwww. Except now that […]

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