How Not To Act Old

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Way back in the last century, when I was a young and semi-innocent lass, I lived one summer on a soybean farm. Given that this farm was owned by a farmer and that I was living with a fellow who both believed that women shouldn’t work (yes, that’s how long ago it was), and that I believed that women shouldn’t cook or clean the house, the only thing left to do was spend the summer lying in the sun reading the farmer’s bodacious collection of Playboy magazines.

This farmer had, it seemed, every Playboy ever printed, so this was not as light a load as it might seem. I did read the articles, but that’s not what I remember about the magazines. I remember the pictures, coyly posed shots of young women exposing — well, by the standards of today, not all that much.

These were women whose bodies were in proportion to their breasts, who’d never heard of waxing anything but floors, and who employed such quaint props as flamenco fans and white gloves to cover up their cooters.

The availability of porn over my lifetime seems to have run in inverse proportion to my hormones. When I really wanted to see it, it was hard to get and not all that great once you had it. And now that I’d rather watch an episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, all I have to do is type in youporn.com or xtube.com and….

Whoa! You thought I was kidding, right?

If you haven’t yet followed the links above and you have delicate sensibilities, I warn you, please don’t….

Jeez! You couldn’t resist, could you?

For the two people out there who’d rather have me describe these sites to you than see them for yourself, all you have to do is click Enter and there splashed before you are thumbnails of dozens of hardcore videos of “real people” (not) having sex (in ways that would make any Playboy Bunny blush to the tips of her airbrushed nipples).

Yes, this is what your 16-year-old is doing up in his bedroom.  And he’s not the only one.

I’m not saying that, in the interest of avoiding fogeydom, you have to make youporn a routine part of your life any more than you need to get your area code tattooed on your neck. But you at least should know how accessible such extreme porn is, and perhaps take a peek just for, you know, education’s sake.

One note to youporn copywriters: Women who look like they’re in their 20s should not be classified as “mature.”

What’s that? You have a question? You want to know whether there’s any porn like this down in Ho Springs?

You may have to run right down there and check it out.