Wednesday, August 20th, 2008...11:29 am
#s105-116: How Not To Vacation Old, Part See Ya Later
But HNTAO is going on vacation. By itself. On a cruise. Except it’s pretending it’s going to Vegas.
When it comes back in September, hopefully not ten pounds heavier and in need of detox, we’ll have some extremely exciting news for you. No, I can’t tell you now. Plus, lots of fresh and vital ways not to act old.
Meanwhile, here are some tips to get you through the rest of your summer vacation. If you think you’re going to miss your quasi-daily HNTAO over the next few weeks, you can always read them one at a time, or come back every day to read all the ways ntao you haven’t gotten to yet:
1. Do not stay at one of those inns that smell like air freshener and offer an assortment of herbal teas and have little signs posted everywhere that say things like, Thank you for removing your makeup before putting your head on the pillow!
2. If you stay at a chain motel instead of one of those inns, don’t say you have a nice room. They’re all nice. And all not-nice.
3. Don’t rent a house and car exactly like the house and car you have at home.
4. Don’t spend more time putting on sunscreen than you spend in the sun.
5. Forget shopping. You already brought too much stuff in your giant suitcase.
6. Don’t be the first one in the restaurant at breakfast. Not to mention dinner.
7. No guided tours. In fact, no tourism. You’re a traveler. No, you’re practically a native! If you see a tourist or a tour, act appropriately scornful.
8. Although you want to feel and act like a native, don’t go anywhere you’ve been before. Not vacationing old is all about novelty and adventure.
9. Don’t be afraid to go somewhere you’ve never been before. They will definitely have bathrooms there plus some kind of food that doesn’t upset your stomach.
10. Don’t overworry about the weather. Vacation like the young do. If it rains, have sex. If it’s too cold to go to the beach, have sex. Even if it’s nice outside, have sex.
11. If you’re traveling alone and end up having sex with a stranger, don’t imagine that you’re ever going to see him or her again. But don’t feel guilty about it either. If you’re traveling with your spouse and end up having sex with a stranger, you should of course feel guilty. But way not to act old, dude or dudette! You and John Edwards should totally get together.
12. When you’re back home, don’t claim that now you need another vacation. That’s not just old, it’s obnoxious!