How Not To Act Old

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Now that How Not To Act Old has hit the 50-post mark, there’s too much here for any of us to keep in our heads. Especially me.

Therefore, I bring you the Weekend Review, in which I digest (and no, that is not a digestion discussion) the messages of previous posts, for those of you who are too lazy, too addled, too busy, or too forgetful to do it yourself.

Our first topic: Ways we’re not going to stop acting old, no matter what anybody (including a noted authority such as myself) says.

There’s some misconception that the message of HNTAO is that you’ve got to quit doing everything outlined here, no matter how much you like it. That’s not true. Rather, what I’m saying is that you should know that doing these things equals acting old, but you might want or need to do them anyway. My personal list of what I won’t or can’t stop doing:

THINGS I DON’T WANT TO STOP DOING

#28:Listening to Springsteen — I genuinely believe Bruce is a genius. Plus, his hero is Philip Roth, who’s one of my heroes too. Plus, how could I work out without Bruce? You might be able to persuade me to offload my Motown, my reggae, my Donna Summer. But I’m forever strapped around Bruce’s engines.

#42: Reading — Come on, guys, did you really think I was serious about this one? Though as time goes on I find myself, like the rest of America, reading less and writing more.

#37: Throwing Dinner Parties — I received several (okay: one) impassioned pleas on this subject from valued dinner party guests. Don’t worry, I won’t stop. But once this blog starts turning big money, I’m hiring a cook.

#17: Drinking Cosmos — I know better than to order them in public anymore, and bars have started using a too-sweet mix. But in the privacy of my own home, the frozen Cosmo is turning into the drink of the summer: fresh-squeezed lime, a splash of cranberry juice, a little simple syrup, lots of vodka, and ice in a blender. Mmmmm.

#46: Hoping Lauren Conrad Will Go Away — Sorry, LC. Nothing personal. But one of the few good things about being in my 80s will be that I’ll no longer see your face on every cover.

#30: Emailing — I’d rather give up my Saturday night sex date.

#48: Man-Bashing — I love men, I really do. But since women of my generation didn’t get Title IX, this became our sport instead. And I need my workout.

THINGS I CAN’T STOP DOING

#21: Leaving Messages — Too convenient.

#9: Planning — Too enamored of security.

#29: Eternal Dieting — Too enamored of both eating and looking good.

#41: Being Excited About Mondays — I love to work, and unless I’m forced to become a poodle-groomer, I don’t think that’s going to stop any time soon.

#49: Curbing My Cynicism — Definitely too late to become more innocent, plus skepticism and negativity are among my most adorable traits!