It’s not the act of copulation that’s the problem; it’s calling it “making love.” Or “sleeping with.” Or “getting it on.”
When young people “do it,” they usually come right out and say “having sex.” Or sometimes (see #6), “hooking up.”
Bone, jump, and play may be related words, but I only know that because I looked it up in the Online Slang Dictionary.
This is an obvious one, though it’s way down at #24 because I kept forgetting it. I’m not kidding. It was one of the first ones I thought of, a whole week ago when I started this blog and I went into the kitchen to tell my son, who asked me what platform (I think that’s the word) I was using and I’d already forgotten. Half a minute later.
Remember when your grandmother would send you a birthday card with a dollar bill inside as a present? That’s what it still feels like when you send someone a greeting card: like it came from their grandmother.
You can update the experience by making your own card, sending a postcard, or using one of those blank cards with the funny pictures that are trying so hard to be cool. But I’m afraid greeting cards are one of those niceties of life that are going the way of the paper invitation.
Maybe it’s this silent, desktop world we inhabit. Maybe it’s the new culture of positivity and anti-depression. But having a big confrontation, complete with shouting, threats, revelations, and tears, is a decidedly old, out-of-it thing to do.
If young people want to fire you or stop seeing you, they’ll just stop returning your messages. Or defriend you on Facebook. If they’re angry about something you’ve done to them, they’ll blog about it. Or send topless pictures of you on their cellphones to all their friends. I’m not kidding.
This is a weird one, contributed by my 18-year-old son Joe (see #2). Only old people leave voice mails, says Joe. Young people, accustomed to communicating by cell phone vs. land line, figure that the other person will see their number in missed calls and return the call if they want or need to talk. Urgent message? Send a text.
That long involved voice message you left for your child or your 12-year-old doctor? They won’t listen to it.
There are “young” dogs and there are “old” dogs, and sorry, but poodles are owned mainly by people over 40. Why? Because they’re practical: smart, hypoallergenic, non-shedding. And because they’re out of style.
The small dog du jour is a Yorkie or a Dachshund, not a Toy Poodle. The big dog favored by hipsters might be a Lab or even a Labradoodle, but never a Standard Poodle. The retro favorite breed could be a German Shepherd, but won’t be a Poodle. In fact, Poodles are so far out they may even be coming in. But owning one still won’t do much for your Age Image. Just imagine how old you look if we find you window shopping at www.pawlife.com
It’s become a standard joke among old people to describe the authority figure they just encountered as being or looking 12. Not 8. Not 18. Not 32, which they (absurdly) figure is pretty close to their own advanced age. But eternally and inevitably 12.
Besides losing its humorous edge, saying the doctor looks 12 really says your point of reference has become alarmingly warped and you yourself look about 108. Now that’s funny.
OK, guys, I’m not talking to you. I’ve never encountered a male of any age who hated sex. It’s some women over a certain age who complain about sex, avoid having sex, and deep down just don’t like it.
Naturally, this is a bigger problem than acting old. It’s evidence of some heavy repression. Or maybe you hate your husband. Or perhaps you’re orgasmically challenged.
If you’re seeing yourself in this post, the solution may be to get yourself a vibrator and learn how to use it.
Sorry, baby (you know who you are). I know they’re delicious. I know they’re fun. I know the “girls” in the SATC movie tried their darnedest to help revive the Cosmo trend they launched when they were in their thirties.
Martinis may be back. Sidecars and Negronis may be back. The friggin’ Pegu Cocktail may even be back.
But Cosmos have become the official drink of menopausal women.
It used to be, in New York, that young people lived in the Village, and old people lived in Queens. Young people lived on the Upper West Side, and old people lived on the Lower East Side.
All that’s changed around now. Why? Money, honey. Young people want to live where it’s cool, but they have to live where it’s cheap, which forces them to move to places that are less cool, which makes them more cool, which makes them more expensive, whereupon all the young, cool, poor people are forced to move even further out to the frontiers of Brooklyn.
Following this reasoning, Greenwich Village was last marginally affordable in the beatnik era, and now you need to be Graydon Carter to live there. Cool, maybe, but still old.
