I just got the thrilling news that How Not To Act Old is #7 (with a bullet) on the New York Times Bestseller List. Thanks to all the HNTAO fans who’ve already bought the book, and to the rest of you, better rush right out there for your already-precious first edition.
Old people certainly don’t have a monopoly on fear. Some common fears — spiders, public speaking, even flying — may even be ones we’ve faced and conquered. But change and novelty, not so much. The fear of newness even has a name: Caicophobia. Maybe you’re afraid to try a different haircut, since your current style […]
We get it that maybe you bought your house a couple of booms ago when prices were low, so you’re really not as rich as you look. We understand that the taxes on a house that big are through the roof (so to speak), and you don’t even want to think about what your heating […]
Some sports are young and some sports are old. Examples? Basketball is young; baseball is old. Snowboarding is young; skiing is old. Skateboarding is young; roller-skating is old. And golf is old. So old I can’t even think of something similar-yet-different (miniature golf? no; croquet? nah) to put on the young side of the equation […]
At the risk of breaking one of my own rules nearly as soon as I set it down, getting up when it’s still dark outside is what Seinfeld’s parents did. Remember? Jerry goes to visit and is awakened in the dark to find his parents in the kitchen making coffee and squeezing juice. “We thought […]
I know you’re not a monster; It’s just that you’re sooooooo over the baby thing. You’ve already put in your time jollying the infant who started crying in the middle of the meal, bouncing the toddler up and down the aisle of the plane, being pinned beneath the child who refused to sit anywhere but […]
It’s not the act of copulation that’s the problem; it’s calling it “making love.” Or “sleeping with.” Or “getting it on.” When young people “do it,” they usually come right out and say “having sex.” Or sometimes (see #6), “hooking up.” Bone, jump, and play may be related words, but I only know that because […]
It’s become a standard joke among old people to describe the authority figure they just encountered as being or looking 12. Not 8. Not 18. Not 32, which they (absurdly) figure is pretty close to their own advanced age. But eternally and inevitably 12. Besides losing its humorous edge, saying the doctor looks 12 really […]
OK, guys, I’m not talking to you. I’ve never encountered a male of any age who hated sex. It’s some women over a certain age who complain about sex, avoid having sex, and deep down just don’t like it. Naturally, this is a bigger problem than acting old. It’s evidence of some heavy repression. Or […]
Or Pam or, God forbid, Dick. There’s a whole generation of names last popular in the 40s and 50s — Karen and Donald, Barbara and Leonard — that you’ve got to avoid if you don’t want to seem old. Of course, you didn’t choose your own name and you’re pretty much stuck with it unless […]
