How Not To Act Old

Fox5′s Lisa Murphy and I took to Times Square in search of New York visitors acting old….and not. Check out those naked wrists.

Over at More.com, I opine today about How Not To Act Old in our celebrity-crazed culture. (Step 1: Don’t think there’s anything weird about a celebrity-crazed culture.)

But what about the aged celebrities themselves? Which ones are the most successful at Not Acting Old?

By Not Acting Old, I don’t mean that you go around showing off your abs, clubbing till dawn, and dating 22-year-olds. Yes, I’m talking to you, Bruce Willis.

Not Acting Old is not the same as Acting Young. In fact, trying too hard to Act Young is one of the surest ways to Act Old.

Rather, Not Acting Old means embracing all that’s best about getting older, while transcending age’s less, shall we say, productive aspects. Yes, it’s subtle, not to mention confusing, which is how I’ve managed to spin the subject out into a year-long blog and an entire book.

In case you’re still confused, here are some celebrities that Don’t Act Old, according to my definition:

Meryl Streep — The thing I really admire about Meryl’s post-40 career is that she’s not afraid to take roles that make her look silly, unattractive, bitchy, or declasse — and to always look like she’s having fun doing it. That takes supreme maturity and self-confidence.

Quincy Jones — Okay, I’ve got a little crush on Quincy, who only seems to get cooler as he gets older. Is it the eternal good looks? The kids who are attractive, successful, and seem mentally healthy? The career that doesn’t quit? Whatever: Q has got it.

Martha Stewart — Martha was born 47, or 52: She’s one of those people who seems as if she’s not any particular age but inextricably herself. While I think the Martha-esque way of life often imprisons women, I love the way Martha herself purveys upper-class Wasp-y ways but never hides her own ethnic working class roots, promotes housewifery while living as a confirmed divorcee, and is unapologetically rich and successful again after her stint in the pokey.

Cindy Sherman and David Byrne — I link these two iconoclastic artists because, in fact, they have hooked up in the young sense of the word. Not since Stieglitz married O’Keeffe or Jacko married Lisa Marie has a more perfect pop culture couple been formed. Plus, now it will be much easier to spot the mysterious Cindy on the street.

Jane Campion — Sure, Clint Eastwood is a natural for the HNTAO award, but I’m taking points off because Clint’s a guy and, in Hollywood, that’s easy. Jane Campion, on the other hand, is one of only three women ever nominated for the directing Oscar and the first woman to win the Palme D’Or, for “The Piano.” But more important, she follows her creative gut, with the luminous “Bright Star,” based on the romance between the poet Keats and Fanny Brawne debuting in September. Next up: “Runaway,” based on a story by Alice Munro.

Alice Munro and Philip Roth — No, Alice and Philip have not hooked up, but I nominate them because they both came into their own as fiction writers when they were over 40, and because both continue to produce adventurous work that breaks the mold of what they’ve done before. Bruce Springsteen named Roth as one of his creative heroes for this quality.

Chuck Close — Artist Chuck Close became more inventive, daring, and celebrated not only as he got older, but after he was paralyzed. For more on Close’s evolution as an artist and a man, see Christopher Finch’s brilliant biography, Chuck Close: Work.

I just got home from a six hour car ride with my daughter, which took place approximately thirteen hours after we ran out of things to say to each other — or at least after she ran out of things to say to me. Having reached the end of other entertainment strategies, she turned in desperation to my ipod, on which the most exciting number (note to self: number, what Ed Sullivan used to call a song, is a really old term) is The Rolling Stones’ Waiting on a Friend.

When my daughter threatened to jump out the window of the speeding car, I hit on the idea of letting her download new songs for me, and in the process give me a musical education.

If you love The Stones, she told me, you might like The Virgins:

Some other ideas for those of you who might want to renovate your playlists:

If you love The BeeGees, you might like The Management MGMT.

If you love Stevie Nicks, you might like Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley.

If you love Diana Ross, you might like Nelly Furtado.

If you love Joni Mitchell, you might like Cat Power.

If you love Elvis, you might like Justin Timberlake.

If you love The Bangles, you might like The Ting Tings.

And if you love Marvin Gaye, you’re totally out of luck.

I had a great time with Harry Smith this morning on the CBS Early Show. Best takeaway: Don’t be the Office Mom.

Watch CBS Videos Online

Girls, even old girls, just want to have fun, right? And what’s wrong with rocking out to Bruce? No matter how “mortifying” the Evil Young find such behavior, we’re not going to stop. Another instructional video by Alexa Garbarino, starring Age Policeman Noah Levinson and an overenthusiastic old lady.

Tomorrow the How Not To Act Old book officially hits the stores, but our woman somehow managed to snag an advance copy and read it cover to cover.

Well, she read all the good parts. While also leaving a voice mail for her daughter, sending mass emails to her friends, and cooking a pot roast for dinner. So she doesn’t necessarily remember every single word….

And now she can’t find her book. Better run right out and buy another copy.

Thanks to the fabulous director and photographer Alexa Garbarino, whose own gorgeous book Ripe is coming soon; to the scarily talented Age Policeman Noah Levinson; to the brilliant novelist Debbie Galant, who was moved to burn her leopardskin clothes after I borrowed them; and to Fitzgerald’s 1928 in Glen Ridge, NJ for the gorgeous location.

How Not To Act Old is Number 1 on Amazon’s Humor Bestseller List. During this hourly update at least. Plus, I am very proud to be the only writer on the list without a penis. Take that, Chelsea Handler!

I don’t know what summer weekends mean to you, but to me they represent an excuse to eat huge messy hamburgers, charred black on the outside and oozing red inside, with salty buttered corn and dripping watermelon and gooey deviled eggs, all washed down by an ice cold beer.  Or five.

Except now the Evil Young are wrecking all these classic foods (and drinks) for us, by attempting to “improve” them. So when you haul your sorry old ass to a picnic, instead of reaching for a nice crusty wiener or a big mug o’ ale, you might want to hold out for smoky red deviled eggs and a beer-cocktail combo called (I kid you not) the Hipster BBQ, as detailed by the New York Times.

Now, pretend like a shot of vodka, some lime juice, and several shakes of seasoning salt were exactly what that ice-cold beer needed.  Act like a deviled egg never lived until it was infused with tomato paste and red wine vinegar. And who wants a regular old hamburger when you can have a goat burger?

And if that doesn’t make you feel youthful enough, you can always skip the trip down to the 7-11 for the $2.29 sixpack of burger buns and instead bake your own brioche buns,  which should take no more than five hours from beginning to end.  I know there’s nothing that makes me feel younger and hipper on a 90 degree day than mixing up a batch of homemade burger buns!

If you’re on Facebook (and I hope you are) you can now send all your friends gifts to help them not act old.  Perhaps it’s grinding lessons they need, or a tramp stamp.  A nice total body wax — hey guys, have you never heard of manscaping? — or a couple hits of virtual ecstasy.  It’s all right here:

Just be sure that you consult the HNTAO guidebook’s chapter on How Not To Act Old on Facebook. I know you’re doin’ it!!

That pesky Age Policeman, aka Noah Levinson, is on traffic patrol today, chasing down over-40 drivers who dare to drive too slowly.  The director and camerawoman is the ever-inspired Alexa Garbarino.