How Not To Act Old

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How can you act old on a holiday that’s all about champagne, candy, red lingerie, and sex?  Yet when you’ve been around the romantic block one – or maybe twelve – too many times, the potential is there.  Here, how not to act old on Valentine’s Day.

#169. DON’T ORDER THE VALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL

Buying into the whole Valentine’s Day industry – the overpriced and too-elaborate dinner at the jam-packed restaurant, the heavy meal and bottle of wine and heart-shaped box of chocolates – is definitely the old way to celebrate, and one that’s almost destined to fall flat.

Too expensive, for one thing, and too regimented, plus all that high-fat, super-sugared food is going to leave you feeling anything but sexy.   To put a not-old spin on your grownup need for some pampering on February 14^th, go out to eat something light and unconventional: sushi, maybe, or tapas.  Save your champagne for after you’re back home, safely in bed.  And squirrel away the chocolates for a moment you really need them — like tomorrow afternoon.

#170. DON’T LET HIM PLAN THE EVENING ALONE

Just because you baked the damn turkey for Thanksgiving and bought every freaking present under the tree and planned the New Year’s Eve party completely by yourself is no excuse to sit back and let him take total charge of Valentine’s Day. That’s how you’ll wind up stuffing yourself at dinner at Le Pretentious Inn, pretending to like the drooping roses, ugly earrings and, later, the skimpy lingerie, all while feeling guilty because you couldn’t think of anything to get him (besides, you know, that blow job).

#171: AVOID AVOIDING LINGERIE

Uh oh, here he comes with that box: It’s the size of a book, but way too light to be that new translation of The Second Sex you’ve been lusting after. Yep, it’s lingerie. Too scanty, too sheer, too ridiculous to actually wear. And yet he’s grinning, urging you to try it on. It’s not that you don’t want to have sex with him (let’s suppose you do); you just don’t want to be trussed up like one of Hugh Hefner’s nieces while you do it.

The solution?  A pre-emptive lingerie purchase. Yes, this is the occasion when you can, without guilt, indulge in that $75, gravity-defying Italian bra you’ve been eyeing; when a Sophia Loren-worthy silk slip would not be considered an indulgence; when a pair of $50 chiffon panties that will only last a single wear . . . need not last any longer.

Or turn the tables and buy him a pair of silk bikinis, or some silly boxers with hearts and kisses on them.  Be sure to act insulted if he doesn’t want to wear them every day.

#172: TRASH THE RED ROSES.

Old: The obligatory bouquet of red roses, complete with black-tipped edges and desiccated baby’s breath.  Not-old: A live white or yellow or pink rosebush, ready to plant in the garden come spring.

#173. TOSS THE STORE-BOUGHTEN CARD

By now, you’re catching on that one of the main themes of acting old on Valentine’s Day is celebrating in a canned, stiff way, and not-old means putting your own individual spin on the holiday.

One great way to do this: Make your own hand-glittered card, Photoshopped joke greeting, heart-shaped cross-stitched pillow, individualized tumblog, love letter written on perfumed paper with a fountain pen, or romantic message tweeted out 140 affection-filled characters at a time.

#174. DON’T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT THE SEX, LOVE, AND ROMANCE

In the end, what’s most important about Valentine’s Day is celebrating the connection between you.  Letting go of all the expectations that have built up over the years, within you and from the outside world, is the most essential part of not celebrating Valentine’s Day old.

So you can forget the dinner, the card, the flowers, the fancy gifts, even the not-fancy gifts, and put all your energy into creating a tender, romantic, loving, sensual evening that’s all about your relationship.  All you really need is each other, his Viagra, your We-Vibe, and a little soft porn.

#175. DON’T CELEBRATE IF YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT.

The really not-old way to celebrate holidays is to give them a pass if the spirit isn’t moving you. Tristan Coopersmith, the (young) coauthor of Menu Dating, says she and her fiancé decided to take the pressure off Valentine’s Day by declaring it a roving holiday, subject to celebration wherever and whenever one of them decrees it.

Just make sure that you do celebrate, even if it’s not on February 14^th.  Giving the holiday a total pass might feel like a relief in the busy moment, but – trust me, I’ve tried it – can ultimately make you feel distressingly over the hill.