How Not To Act Old

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When I started up this blog again in June, a few months before the book came out, I was worried — really really worried — that I wouldn’t have anything new to say. The book, after all, featured lots of stuff not already on the blog. And I didn’t want to cannibalize the new stuff in the book to feed the blog, because that would end with, you know, blood all over the floor and flesh stuck between my teeth.

The good news — at least, it was good news for me — is that I didn’t have to do that. I ended up using, I think, one tiny thing from the book, and everything else that’s been on the blog in the past six months is brand new. Yes, Virginia, there are that many ways not to act old.

But now, as a special treat for all you good little girls and boys, I’m going to reprint the Christmas post from the book, with my favorite cookie recipe and the excellent dead Santa picture that didn’t make it into the book. And if you haven’t already bought How Not To Act Old for every old person on your Christmas list, you better rush right out and do that. I’m watching you!

Here, the compelling sample:

Hating Christmas is an affliction peculiar to the old. Why? Let me count the ways.

1. It’s expensive, and we have to pay for it.

2. It’s a lot of work, and we have to do all of it.

3. We are really really really sure there’s no Santa.

4. There was that time we got drunk and had a huge fight with our spouse on Christmas Eve. Also, that other time. And the time when our mother-in-law started screaming at us about not getting her a nice enough present. And the time we threw up in the mashed potatoes. And the time…oh, never mind. The point is once you’ve been around for enough Christmases, you accumulate plenty of bad memories along with the good.

5. It’s cold, and we no longer like the cold.

6. It’s almost never a white Christmas, and if it is, we have to shovel it.

7. We’re exhausted.

8. We have too much work to do as it is.

9. Nobody ever wants to kiss us under the mistletoe.

We could go on, but we’re getting kinda bummed out already. Let’s just say we have our reasons for hating Christmas, and they’re good ones, but at the same time we’re making ourselves seem, not to mention feel, older by being such Grinches.
How to renovate your Xmas outlook?

Well, you could slip a diamond into your own Christmas stocking. Surprise everyone on Christmas Eve with tickets to Barbados and nothing for Christmas dinner in the refrigerator. Give all your money to a worthy charity and so create inner peace and an ironclad excuse for skipping the whole damn thing in one stroke of genius.

Or just develop an appreciation for single malt scotch and chocolate-chip meringues, and pass the season in an alcohol-and-sugar haze. Here’s the recipe:

CHOCOLATE-CHIP MERINGUE COOKIES

Ingredients

2 large egg whites
1/8 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon cocoa powder (optional)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips or chocolate chunks (or even M&Ms)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 275°F. Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

2. With electric mixer on high, whip egg whites until foamy. Add cream of tartar and whip until soft peaks form. Add sugar slowly, whipping until stiff but not dry peaks form. (The whole “stiff peaks” thing sometimes fails me here, but never mind. Whip till it seems like they’re as stiff as they’re ever going to be, then give up and carry on.) Beat in cocoa powder and vanilla. Fold in chocolate chips. Drop by the teaspoonful 2 inches apart on cookie sheets.

3. Bake until completely firm and dry, but still white, about 35-45 minutes; you should be able to lift cookies from pan. You can turn off oven but leave meringues in oven for an hour if you like crunchier meringues.