How Not To Act Old

Before I bring you our regularly scheduled program, check out this entry to the annals of dental bizarreness: Tooth Tattoos.

Next time I have a couple grand to burn and I’m feeling really masochistic, I am so going to get that David Letterman.

Meanwhile, I’ve been thinking about how there are old doctors and young doctors. Periodontist: old. Orthodontist: young. Fertility specialist: young. Urologist: old.

Actually, there are a lot more old doctors than young ones, for the obvious reason that the older you get, the more maladies you have to treat. Endodontists, gastroenterologists, cardiologists, pulmonologists, podiatrists, plastic surgeons: these are all specialists that, with any luck, you won’t even be aware of until you’re at least 40.

It’s bad enough that you have to put up with the distress and pain and expense of dealing with everything from toenail fungus to tongue cancer as you get older, but you also have to weather the embarrassment of having your own personal geriatric-disease doctor. As you look around the waiting room, it’s hard to take comfort in the fact that you’re the only person without a walker.

I was forced to go with my mom to the periodontist once for reasons I don’t recall, but I do remember riding home with her as she sobbed and warned me to always take care of my teeth and gums and make sure I didn’t end up with a periodontist of my own.

Did I listen to her? Of course not. While, unlike most of my compatriots, I have not yet suffered through gum surgery, I have had two extractions, five crowns, and more root canals than I can count.

If you are on the verge of getting your very own periodontist or endodontist, I have only one word of advice: nitrous.